Pictures from the Past

I have been going through and organizing old pictures over the past few days and it started me thinking. I have never been much for planning for the future. As I look back at the pictures there were a few things I always wanted to pursue. The top of the list was writing a book and second was owning a horse farm. So far I haven't achieved any of those goals. I can't do much about the horse farm right now but I think I will start on writing the book.

I have had many ideas over the years. I have note paper with ideas scattered throughout the house but I never seem go go any further with it. My main problem is deciding on one story. I think I never moved on with any of them because I just couldn't choose. I will have to keep in mind choosing one doesn't mean I can't go back to the others. This will be like keeping a promise to my younger self. Maybe you really have to look at the past to move forward?

Now for moving forward!

New Year - New Computer - New Resolutions

The computer really isn't new but in essence it is because I have had to re-image it several times per Sony Vaio. I was upset at first but in the end it didn't seem so bad. I didn't loose any of my files and I now have most of them organized. I was embarrassed to find that I had 16 GB of duplicate pictures in 2010. Of course I haven't gone through previous years yet. I love taking pictures so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. I have quite a few of them but unfortunately many are not in focus. I was pretty disappointed by that. It is hard to tell if they are in focus in the tiny view screen. I really miss having a viewfinder! I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders since my computer isn't so cluttered. Now I just have to go through 2007-2009. It is nice to have some sort of a goal. It really helps me move forward.

I received another rejection letter and I was pretty sad but around the same time the nonprofit I volunteer with needed some grants written. I volunteered for this and worked on it today. It is a pretty easy one! I really want to be successful with this since it is the first time I have had a chance at writing a real grant. I don't count the ones I had to write up for class last summer. This opportunity really revived me.

I am hoping my organizational lesson and my grant writing opportunity will help me move forward with finding a job. I would love to work in the smaller Non-profit field, but in this economy that might be tough. Than again getting a job at all is tough! Sigh!

I think I will make a late new years resolution to stay organized!

When Everything Stopped

A few weeks ago I visited the eye doctor. I hadn't been to this one in a long time because I had Lasek (no not Lasik) surgery years before. I found I had to fill out all new paperwork when I arrived. When the nurse came to the question of occupation I said I was unemployed due to a layoff. I couldn't stop myself from adding the layoff information though it almost feels like an apology for not working, something I could blame on the economy not myself. It isn't as if I sit home in my Flannel Pajamas and do nothing, over the past year I have been looking for work, attending some school, and volunteering at a local Non-profit. Still this question always makes me squirm. The nurse seemed to sense my discomfort and said we will just put Homemaker in there. She said they are hardworking. This made me think about the word and the connotations. Donna Reed came to mind. Does this mean I need to start dusting every week and have dinner on the table as my husband comes in the door. I am afraid I am guilty of letting things slide and then going through a cleaning craze and my husband doesn't come home at a regular time so having dinner ready really isn't possible. I am not sure I am on par with Donna Reed. I think of the Feminist movement working so hard to get us out of our homes and working, making Homemaker almost a swear word. Now with the economy sending so many women and men home this is a title many face regardless of their sex.

I feel like my life is a Cold Case. We all watched things fail. There were so many reasons behind this but I feel like my future was stolen. I had finally found a good job with normal hours only to loose it not even a year later. I am not sure where to go from here. I have piles of rejection letters saying there was someone more qualified. I see so many jobs I would love but I don't have the training. If I apply on the off chance would this cause them not to consider me later if the have a job that would fit my qualifications? I feel like a need a detective to look through the scattered pieces of my life and find a way forward. In the end I am left wondering am I now a Homemaker and if not I still need an answer to the question "What do I want to be?" I can't even say "when I grow up" because I would say I am well past grown up.