When Everything Stopped

A few weeks ago I visited the eye doctor. I hadn't been to this one in a long time because I had Lasek (no not Lasik) surgery years before. I found I had to fill out all new paperwork when I arrived. When the nurse came to the question of occupation I said I was unemployed due to a layoff. I couldn't stop myself from adding the layoff information though it almost feels like an apology for not working, something I could blame on the economy not myself. It isn't as if I sit home in my Flannel Pajamas and do nothing, over the past year I have been looking for work, attending some school, and volunteering at a local Non-profit. Still this question always makes me squirm. The nurse seemed to sense my discomfort and said we will just put Homemaker in there. She said they are hardworking. This made me think about the word and the connotations. Donna Reed came to mind. Does this mean I need to start dusting every week and have dinner on the table as my husband comes in the door. I am afraid I am guilty of letting things slide and then going through a cleaning craze and my husband doesn't come home at a regular time so having dinner ready really isn't possible. I am not sure I am on par with Donna Reed. I think of the Feminist movement working so hard to get us out of our homes and working, making Homemaker almost a swear word. Now with the economy sending so many women and men home this is a title many face regardless of their sex.

I feel like my life is a Cold Case. We all watched things fail. There were so many reasons behind this but I feel like my future was stolen. I had finally found a good job with normal hours only to loose it not even a year later. I am not sure where to go from here. I have piles of rejection letters saying there was someone more qualified. I see so many jobs I would love but I don't have the training. If I apply on the off chance would this cause them not to consider me later if the have a job that would fit my qualifications? I feel like a need a detective to look through the scattered pieces of my life and find a way forward. In the end I am left wondering am I now a Homemaker and if not I still need an answer to the question "What do I want to be?" I can't even say "when I grow up" because I would say I am well past grown up.