Christmas is rapidly approching...

This year I am doing a home made spiced Christmas. In other words I grew a bunch of sage and lemon thyme and I will be handing it out as gifts. I did manage to put together enough coupons and such to get the little ones some nice toys for very little money. Hopefully they will like them!

On the job front I have had several interviews but nothing has come of it so far. One of them was the same time as my husbands surgery, I should have changed it, but they said they were trying to hire right away so I didn't. I am certain I could have done a better job if I hadn't been so nervous of missing the surgery. It would have been awfully nice to have gotten a job for Christmas. I have signed up for a mock interview so hopefully I can do better in the future! Really hoping something else opens up because this year all I want for Christmas is a good job.

My husband had nose surgery last week which has been long awaited or in other words he finally did it! He was home for a week and pretty miserable. He had his stitches out yesterday and I was pretty amazed at the stints (Think that is the correct name). They were huge, I had no idea something that big could fit in the nose. I now understand how children can put such big things up their noses. Now that the healing process is really starting his nose is terribly itchy. Poor guy! I hope this heals up quickly though the doctor said it could take up to 2 months. He was able to breath while sleeping last night which is wonderful. He found that after the surgery he wasn't able to sleep for more than a few hours at a time, pretty terrible!!!

On the writing front I haven't done much. Hoping to get too it soon, but the past month was so terribly busy.  And with that I am off to wrap the few presents I will hand out.

Tonight was the hardest night of my life!!!!

We went to visit friend of ours who is dying. I will finally say it! Sigh... Something I didn't want to ever say for someone younger than I am. Not sure how anyone deals with this! It is one thing to loose a parent or grand parent which you know you will but to loose a younger friend or family member is so unprecedented! I am so very sad about it but yet he faces it with such dignity! If I could help in some little way it would be easier but there is no way to do this! We always went to movies together but somehow I don't know if I will ever go again! It is just too painful! Facing tomorrow with my husband parents coming for Thanksgiving when this is occurring is too much in many ways. How can a person be happy and so very sad? I would say at this point I am very angry! I have lost too much to cancer and no more is acceptable! I still remember my fathers secretaries funeral when I was young. She had been married and then almost right away developed very fast growing cancer. I lost one of my bridesmaids to skin cancer and my aunt to breast cancer. My grandmother died of this as well though we were told it wasn't something that ran in the family. I always will wonder as I learned later in life the wells in that part of the city were well over acceptable radon standards though the city said they were supposedly going to change soon! What sort of payoff was involved there? She was so very nice it was unimaginable to see her go from her wedding dress to her coffin It seems there are so many studies and nothing ever comes of them! I have looked into it and found while there is initial funding for the research there isn't money to take it further. In the end I really think we the people need to stand up for what we really need/want and stop paying for these half assed treatments and look for a real cure! Sorry to rant but I have really had enough!!! I hope someone else out there who can do something about it feels the same!

The last days of summer...

The last days of summer or at least I like to think that. Hate to think it is fall and soon to follow the never ending snow. I was feeling pretty good today then our dishwasher went out. Irritating but I was rolling with the punches until I received a call that a job I hoping to apply for was probably going to be taken by a friend. All and all a pretty disappointing day! I haven't received a call back from an interview which pretty much means no dice. I also sent a application out for my dream job and have had no reply at all. It's just tough! Hard to find the good points of late especially being almost two years out of work. I wonder if this is a sign to take a new route through life? I don't know what that means yet but I think instead of looking for my place in the order of things I have to make my own place! I think I need to find what is unique about me! I am not sure how I can do that. Do I make a checklist? Do I find a self help book that answers all of my questions? Most importantly how do you find yourself on a budget?

Back to School

I am going back to school again. So far just introductions but there is a lot of work ahead of me. There is a mix of experiences and locations in my class made more significant because they are from so many places. It is a Nonprofit Leadership class, the last one I need to receive my certificate. I will be happy to have that done!

The class  requires volunteering and I am choosing the Historical Society again.  Such a nice place to work. You never know what they will need you to do.  People in the class volunteer in many areas from Habitat for Humanity, and unnamed immigrant group, candystripers, republican activists, and many other volunteer opportunities. It will be interesting to see how all of their experiences go throughout the semester.


I am hoping as the semester progresses I feel like my life is moving forward again. So far no luck looking for work though I have been trying to figure out how to make myself more salable. So many people are looking now it is tough! I have heard a lot about companies who are refusing to hire people who don't have a job already. It is pretty shortsighted since this kind of thing will not turn the economy around. Have to wonder if these companies realize what sort of impact this will have on the world? What I am saying is these companies are very shortsighted, but I guess I shouldn't expect much since the stock market is also big on short term successes.

I have continued writing and far more important thinking about my story. I am pretty excited about it but I have to admit being distracted by gardening, job searching, and life. Hoping to buckle down this weekend. I am actually starting to think about what comes after it is done. I am hoping that is a good sign!

Writing again...

I managed to visit most of the people I was planning to and write. It is amazing that I end up writing when I kind of give up. Hoping to keep being inspired as much as I have been already.

Life once again standing in the way

I tried to write but found instead to much needed doing. A friend is very ill and spending time with him was simply more important. Days have been spent getting estimates on car repairs and estimates on fixing our roof. Happily I managed to loose a few sizes and so more time went to finding new cloths since I recently got rid of my old ones. I have resisted diet for a long time because they always seem so obsessive. That isn't to say I would mind being thinner but not enough to have to worry about everything I eat. In Hawaii we ate so often that I finally was forced to start a diet. I simply only ate when I was hungry, I only ate as much as I felt like, and ate it slowly. I lost some weight and now have been steady for a few weeks. There was nothing like the joy I felt at being able to shop at a regular store. It was so exciting at first. I am finding it more difficult now because though the pants fit the tops are another story. The tops are like my life right now, not one thing or another. With all the work needing to be done on the house and car, having no job and my husband facing a layoff if the state shuts down. I wonder what is next? I hope to find my way through to the next thing somehow. I would like to pray but that doesn't seem fair because there are so many that are worse off. The only thing I feel like I can control right now are my teeth so I am am only going to finish the root canal portion of the treatment and the rest will wait for for next year.

I have found myself contemplating the the hidden or maybe not so hidden cost of being poor. It is bad teeth. One root canal costs over $1000 without the cap. My insurance only covers up to that much but will only pay out half of the total bill most of which has been used up by cleanings. Most poor people have the tooth pulled if they are lucky. If your teeth are crooked and you are poor they stay that way. I have had dreams about loosing teeth and thought there has to be a better way. While searching the web I found that they can regrow teeth, but of course it isn't for public consumption as yet. I would so rather have that done! I hope for it to be available to everyone in the future, not just to the wealthy. In my world everyone deserves to have teeth!!! Of course I am hoping we keep the paycheck too!

This time I am not going to make any plans. I will see what life brings us. I hope to write, dance, and why not, I hope to win the lottery. Though none of those things will solve the worlds woes but I will hope to make things a little bit better.

Back Again...

Writing has taken a back seat to life. My husbands parents celebrated their 50th anniversary in Hawaii and brought us along with. A week later I had a performance. The next weekend was filled with a convention. My grandmothers 95 birthday followed quickly along with clogged sewer lines. A close friend has become terribly ill and so it goes. All the while we are trying to take care of several home projects and make some headway with the garden, car repairs, trying to cook at home more often, and having shockingly expensive root canal life goes on and finally so does my writing.

I have put together a few more paragraphs and have a fairly complete storyline in mind. Now just to start working on it more. Motivation has been hard to find because life seems to be in flux. Threatened health care cuts have kept me in contact with our state government. Some of this has been positive but some of the people that were elected don't seem to understand what we face as a family and what worries me more is some of them don't seem to be able to perform simple addition or have any idea what their proposed numbers would mean to the many hard working state workers. I keep trying to let this frustration go but it leaves us in limbo like so many in these trying times. I hate to look at the problems in the news when business has taken over so much of our government that they no longer feel they have to even hide it. It is so depressing seeing the millionaires and corporations refusing to jump in and help when many of them were behind our latest downfall. I don't think I can face the full extent of the troubles and the uncertainty it brings. I decided I might try and look for stability in my writing and so with that thought I was off and writing and finally excited about it rather than feeling like I was stuck in the mud. I brings a closer understand of why during the depression people figured out how to pay for a movie, you just need to escape the sorrows and find some happiness however fleeting or it would just be to depressing.

I am throwing caution to the wind and setting a strong goal. I intend to write at least one chapter and a flow chart before the end of the week! My new taskmaster will be my calendar, because I will be entering my goals in there and setting alarms to remind myself!

New Goals

I have settled on two books so I guess I will have to upgrade to 50 pages total. I am still hopeful I will be able to do that but I am finding I need to do some research so it will take me longer. Glad to be back learning all sorts of new things again.

I have to admit to being very distracted by events unfolding in the middle east and in Wisconsin and Ohio. It really makes me wonder where the world is going? It has been so long since anything has changed so radically that I am not sure what to expect next. Dr. Gene Sharp is a person of interest in these changes. I plan to get ahold of his book and find out more about the man himself.
 

Writers Block of Sorts

I am able to write but I am finding it difficult to focus on one idea. I keep having new story ideas push their way up. I haven't been able to stick to one idea for more than 5 or 6 pages. I am trying to figure out why? When I start I love the idea but after I get into it a bit I am bored or even worse think it is terrible. I end up rewriting it again and by the time I am finished I don't have time to move on with it. When I come back to it the process starts all over. I am wondering if I should make a flow chart? Is better to let the story develop on it's own? I wonder what other writers do to keep themselves on track?  I don't think I could write the whole thing without doing any rewrites but maybe I should try. So far I have 6 stories with about 5 to 10 pages and I have come to a point where I hate them all. I am not even sure what genre I want to write in. There are so many I like. I suppose I could mix some? I am not sure I should even be thinking about that aspect right now? I just feel like time is moving past so quickly I need to make a decision!

I think I will set a goal for myself to have 25 pages written with no rewrites by the end of next week. I think that is the only way I am going to make my book writing resolution come true!

Pictures from the Past

I have been going through and organizing old pictures over the past few days and it started me thinking. I have never been much for planning for the future. As I look back at the pictures there were a few things I always wanted to pursue. The top of the list was writing a book and second was owning a horse farm. So far I haven't achieved any of those goals. I can't do much about the horse farm right now but I think I will start on writing the book.

I have had many ideas over the years. I have note paper with ideas scattered throughout the house but I never seem go go any further with it. My main problem is deciding on one story. I think I never moved on with any of them because I just couldn't choose. I will have to keep in mind choosing one doesn't mean I can't go back to the others. This will be like keeping a promise to my younger self. Maybe you really have to look at the past to move forward?

Now for moving forward!

New Year - New Computer - New Resolutions

The computer really isn't new but in essence it is because I have had to re-image it several times per Sony Vaio. I was upset at first but in the end it didn't seem so bad. I didn't loose any of my files and I now have most of them organized. I was embarrassed to find that I had 16 GB of duplicate pictures in 2010. Of course I haven't gone through previous years yet. I love taking pictures so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. I have quite a few of them but unfortunately many are not in focus. I was pretty disappointed by that. It is hard to tell if they are in focus in the tiny view screen. I really miss having a viewfinder! I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders since my computer isn't so cluttered. Now I just have to go through 2007-2009. It is nice to have some sort of a goal. It really helps me move forward.

I received another rejection letter and I was pretty sad but around the same time the nonprofit I volunteer with needed some grants written. I volunteered for this and worked on it today. It is a pretty easy one! I really want to be successful with this since it is the first time I have had a chance at writing a real grant. I don't count the ones I had to write up for class last summer. This opportunity really revived me.

I am hoping my organizational lesson and my grant writing opportunity will help me move forward with finding a job. I would love to work in the smaller Non-profit field, but in this economy that might be tough. Than again getting a job at all is tough! Sigh!

I think I will make a late new years resolution to stay organized!

When Everything Stopped

A few weeks ago I visited the eye doctor. I hadn't been to this one in a long time because I had Lasek (no not Lasik) surgery years before. I found I had to fill out all new paperwork when I arrived. When the nurse came to the question of occupation I said I was unemployed due to a layoff. I couldn't stop myself from adding the layoff information though it almost feels like an apology for not working, something I could blame on the economy not myself. It isn't as if I sit home in my Flannel Pajamas and do nothing, over the past year I have been looking for work, attending some school, and volunteering at a local Non-profit. Still this question always makes me squirm. The nurse seemed to sense my discomfort and said we will just put Homemaker in there. She said they are hardworking. This made me think about the word and the connotations. Donna Reed came to mind. Does this mean I need to start dusting every week and have dinner on the table as my husband comes in the door. I am afraid I am guilty of letting things slide and then going through a cleaning craze and my husband doesn't come home at a regular time so having dinner ready really isn't possible. I am not sure I am on par with Donna Reed. I think of the Feminist movement working so hard to get us out of our homes and working, making Homemaker almost a swear word. Now with the economy sending so many women and men home this is a title many face regardless of their sex.

I feel like my life is a Cold Case. We all watched things fail. There were so many reasons behind this but I feel like my future was stolen. I had finally found a good job with normal hours only to loose it not even a year later. I am not sure where to go from here. I have piles of rejection letters saying there was someone more qualified. I see so many jobs I would love but I don't have the training. If I apply on the off chance would this cause them not to consider me later if the have a job that would fit my qualifications? I feel like a need a detective to look through the scattered pieces of my life and find a way forward. In the end I am left wondering am I now a Homemaker and if not I still need an answer to the question "What do I want to be?" I can't even say "when I grow up" because I would say I am well past grown up.